You've Failed Before. You'll Fail Again.

Weaknesses. Demons. Can you ever beat them?

I think the worst part about them is that no matter how many times you overcome them you always have the ability to FAIL. “Why can’t I make a decision and have the option of failure removed from the table?” The worst part is that when you are trying your hardest and doing everything you can to fix the problem, if you have one lapse in judgment or a bout of forgetfulness, WHAM! Back to your low. And WORSE still is that no matter how much you do right or succeed, the wrongs always seem to weigh SOO much more.

Full disclosure: I, Taylor Eliason, am perpetually late. I know this seems like not too big a deal but it’s one of many beasts in life and happens to be currently plaguing my day to day. This one sucks to share because it’s the one that affects my pride (learning humility), my career, others’ trust in me as someone reliable or responsible and is all around humiliating when you have to face a room of people you’ve left waiting. It shows a real lack of concern for others and their schedules. It’s obviously VERY disrespectful.

I am tempted to try to justify my actions with the best of intentions but what I’ve done would still be what it is. I hope anyone I have ever left waiting or in a lurch understands to what depths I feel upset about it and that they can understand how truly sorry I am.

Sometimes you face your demon, fail, make a choice to change, plan and set goals, do everything right only to turn around and, SURPRISE, fail tomorrow. Now, I don’t like to use the words “never” and “always,” but it is NEVER a fair fight with these guys. They are called demons BECAUSE of their history of hanging around and beating us whenever they deem fit. It just seems they always have the upper hand because, well, they always have. The thought “You’ve failed before. You’ll fail again” plagues our ability to feel any kind of superior to them. But we continue to try; clutching carefully to our cord of corroding hope and grappling with our ever-crumbling faith in our ability to self-control, haunted by the impending reality of our statistically increasing possibility of failure.

And you do. You fail. Over and over and over… and over. Who cares about how many times we succeed. Doesn’t matter. “I’m still who I was, and I hate who I was and apparently am…” Sucks. Sucks. (sorry) It sucks. “Can I even change who I am?”

Don’t know. I’m still trying on many levels to figure that out. Don’t feel like I’ve arrived there yet on any one of them. I’d love to hear if any of you have. I HAVE successfully however, rearranged my thoughts with a lot of them. As a good therapist instructed me, (therapists… they’re the best) rather then exhausting myself trying to fight them through futile self deprecation and frustration, I’ve decided to accept the reality of their existence and simply allow them their space. Instead of wasted energy spent hating them, I’m accepting them as a part of myself, and doing what I can to make a different choice. I also try to find the positives for them, which isn’t too hard if you look. One that somewhat applies really to any weakness is the lesson in compassion. I don’t think I would be any manner of compassionate without them to show me how cruddy life can feel.

This is a great segway into the sufferee…As for those affected by other’s weakness, may I implore (big word) you all to remember the depths of your own personal weaknesses to encourage a spirit of understanding for others? Allow yourself to remember the depth of your own demons so that in the presence of someone else’s you might reverence their struggle and embrace their hearts with compassion through your eyes and words. (Churchy warning:) It makes sense to me that the Savior would need to feel the depth of every struggle so that He could truly love each one of us. (Bible - Hebrews 2:18, or BOM - Alma 7:12) (Could He not “succor” us before He endured our sins?) Back to the book of Taylor… I’m also inclined to believe that He loves us not DESPITE our weaknesses, but BECAUSE of them and THROUGH them. He WANTED to know our deepest sadness and loneliness so He could TRULY love us.

Can we love someone DESPITE his or her weaknesses? “Love the sinner, hate the sin?” (Note: removing articles, the majority of this idiom is “Sinner,” “Hate,” and “Sin”) LOVE! Until we have existed in their heart and felt the weight of their burdens, can we really, truly love anyone? I postulate that we cannot until we’ve born the weight of his or her soul in our own. Most of those who have met the eyes of someone they love who is in the pit of their humility, shame and sadness and been there to embrace them, hold them and love them cannot deny the immensely beautiful binding of souls that takes place. (Back to churchy) I’m certain the Savior’s heart ONLY exists in that tragically humble realm that houses not only shame, loneliness and sadness but, oddly enough, hope, joy and TRUE, unconditional love. (church done.)

But back to the sufferer. We must start a campaign to reduce the emotional taxation of failure on the sufferer to at least an equal level with success. It won’t be easy. It will seem as though everyone around you (including yourself) will want to continually slow-mo replay your failures on your emotional big screen TV. But they don’t deserve any more attention than you give your successes. So unless you’re throwing a party for each of your successes, don’t allow one for your pity. Each success is a step forward and each failure is ONLY ONE step back. Here’s to three steps forward after every step back. “You’ve succeeded before. You’ll succeed again.”

You're amazing! Keep smiling!!