You Can Only Get an A

I had a discovery today about humility but because my writing got a little carried away in this area today I will have to get to it in a future post. Just know this plays a part in that later post… (did I just make a blog cliffhanger?! STAY TUNED!)

I really want to just be a good boy. I believe everyone does. I know that could mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but I just want so terribly to replace all that is not “good” in me with things that are. I want to be the “best” me possible. Is that so bad? Sounds good and noble right?

In not so graceful terms I have a big ol’ fat perfection complex. That’s right. I, Taylor Eliason, am an obsessive perfectionist(disclaimer: this only pertains to things I like or want to do, not including any kind of mundane school/busy work. Hate school. Going on…). I LOVE a good project. I remember upon occasion around 2 am, after hours of slaving over hot glue guns and construction paper, my mother, in an attempt to save me from myself would coin a phrase crafted in truth by my brother.

“You can only get an A.”

Good right?! Feel free to use it with YOUR OCD children/self. :) And don’t look down on my mother. I don’t feel she was encouraging mediocrity. I mean, hey, an A is still above average! I think she got tired of not seeing me blink for 30 minutes at a time and rarely coming up for air…

“But is it so bad to strive to do your best?" Well no. It’s not. But what is your “BEST” anyway?!

“Do your best.” … Okay… I mean it’s FINE (ugh) when thinking forwards. Do your best! Try to be your best! Give it your best shot. Fine. But when that “Do” becomes “Did”… Danger will Robinson!

Ask a house huband/wife with 4 kids doing 6 different activities a night, cleaning a house big enough for a six people to live in and destroy daily, sniffing clothes for cleanliness for each body, shopping, yardwork, homework.

“DID you do your best?”

“Well, I mean, I should have…”

Ask a working parent, spending more time at work than at home, paying bills, navigating a career, online classes, spending time with their kids, being present at special events, staying awake the whole time…

“Yeah but DID you do your best?”

“Well, I probably could have…”

Ask a single adult going to school, paying rent, working, studying, paying for, fixing and refixing that college car, traveling home, traveling back, friendships, dating, love…

“Ahh, but DID you do your best?”

“I guess I would have…”

UGH. It’s hard not too feel incompetent in every single area for just lack of time in the day, not accounting for sleep and, heaven forbid, leisure.

But really it’s never “Did you do your best?” No, the real kicker is that generally we ask in a spirit of devastation “Did I do MY best?”

 “Did I do my best?” Ugh. “BEST” It’s fine when comparing things to each other I guess (not even then really) BUT as an ultimate measure of someone’s capability!? Best, to me, signifies an end or a top. The very MOST you can do. Now, I may be lazy but that sounds overwhelming right? “How can I EVER know that there was nothing more I could do?” YOU DON’T! Great huh?! And you never will.

I hope you’ll indulge an LDS (Mormon) scripture but this has probably been the hardest scripture for me in my life. It states towards the end of the verse:

      “…For we know it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 25:23)

Now I have NO desire to speak evil of scripture. I actually like it more now than I did before. But you’re telling me that I can’t be saved unless I do ALL that I CAN PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY DO?! Well, poop. Pretty hopeless right? And I felt this way for a LONG time. Recently, I’ve come to see, however, that there are a lot of mistakes, failures, and struggles in the last line of that scripture. “After all we can do.” I envision a man fighting through a storm. I would like to propose that this may not be a feet to acheive but a mind set to live.

I propose the statement “Your/my best” is inherently flawed. Just as perfection doesn’t exist, so too the noun “BEST.” For that reason, may I propose that we get rid of the statement all together? Ditch it’s inherently impossible expectation…ness.

In life, the hard/beautiful TRUTH is that there are NO redos. The moment is gone. So whatever you gave in that moment for WHATEVER reason, (listen up!) it WAS your BEST! Allow yourself to let that sink in. With all the many known and hundreds of unknown variables (ie. Thoughts, relationships, health, weather, what you ate) that account for every moment of life, can we just FORGIVE… Forgive? No. That would imply you did something wrong… ACCEPT what we did as our VERY BEST and just. let. go?! And smile? And breathe?!

Sure, It’s COMPLETELY appropriate to look back and see where you can improve or do better, but there is NO sense in hating yourself because you didn’t do more THEN. You did everything you could. It is not so much about doing your best, as it is about trying to. LIVE bettering yourself and accept your shortcomings as a beautiful bi-product of your BEST!

You’re amazing! Keep smiling!